June Meeting Notes
Tuesday evening about 8 of us came together for what turned out to be an amazing meeting. We had 3 new members and how we wish we could make it so no one ever had the need to find us- yet we remain grateful that in need, they do.
Our topic this month was something new- a “Worry Hat.” The idea is that everyone in attendance write down something that concerns them or something they hope we can discuss at the meeting, puts it in a bag and it remains anonymously submitted unless the writer cares to identify themselves. Well, you know how these things go, I mean we had nearly half in attendance as brand new members so we just had random conversation (which is really what would have occurred had we written down questions, right?)
One topic we discussed was whether or not to share how we are feeling- emotionally- with our family members. In doing so are we putting additional burden on them? Especially with our children, are we giving them more than they can handle? So hard to know because all of us with teenage and older children know that they generally do not want to discuss their feelings with us. We went back and forth on this- pretty much came to the conclusion that there really isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer. There have been studies done that show that children excluded from the end of life stuff, from the funerals, etc actually go on later in their life to report more emotional issues related to being left out than had they been included. It probably is good to let our family know it is ok to cry, it is ok not to cry and that we know we all grieve differently. A suggestion made by a grief specialist was that it was good to let even younger children know that, for example, “Mommy had a sad morning- I cried a lot because I miss _____.” But follow it up with something positive such as, “But later on I saw a rainbow and it made me smile and have happy memories.” We discussed different twists to the situation such as concern for a family member’s mental well-being. In that case we recommend checking in with a professional for their advice.
Another person expressed some of the coulda/woulda/shoulda’s that we frequently discuss. If only we had done this, hadn’t done that. They went on to share how their loved one expressed they did not want her there at the end- they knew they were dying, How difficult to work through that situation, right? For ourselves, it may be important for us to be there, to say our last goodbyes, to witness what we hope will be a relatively peaceful transition. But we also want to honor their wishes. Such a difficult situation, for sure. Thoughts on that? Anyone else have a similar situation?
Someone else was wishing they knew for sure that their loved one did not suffer at the end. In sudden deaths family is rarely present and there are often blanks in the story that as one grief specialist suggests, we tend to fill, oftentimes with information far worse than what really happened. For myself, my son died in a single car, unwitnessed accident. According to those on the scene he would have died within 30 seconds but since no one was there they really could not do more than speculate. So my mind filled in the blanks. In my story my son screamed for me for the 30 seconds in which he was alone and dying in pain. That was my story for weeks- maybe months until I finally was able to convince myself that was very likely not at all what happened. So we are left with unanswerable questions. What do we do with those?
We talked a lot about people saying they are praying for us. With social media you might have hundreds of prayer emojis from people you don’t even know. One person expressed that it just made him angry- that his loved one already died so why prayers now? Another person suggested she found comfort in other’s prayers IF they were people she knew and who knew her beliefs and how important they were to her. Otherwise she agreed that quick click of emoji buttons seem to almost serve to devalue her grief…..like, ok, here’s a prayer now get over it. Touchy subject – respect to all!
That’s all I can recall- if anyone present can remember something I missed let me know and I will share. I shoulda/woulda/coulda but didn’t take notes…….
Our next dinner out will be Thursday, June 15th at 6:30pm. As soon as I have a location I will send out with reminder email. Remember- all this information is also available on our website at tcfcincinnatinorth.org
Our July meeting will be held on the 2nd Tuesday due to the 4th of July holiday. It will be a potluck dinner/bubble launch. Of course we will have time to share, as well. We love to use this meeting time to learn more about everyone’s loved one’s life. They were all so much more than whatever ended their life and we know those memories are precious to you. But- there is no topic, anything goes.
We need to begin planning our December candle lighting so anyone interested in being on a planning committee, let me know!
Take care, everyone!