March 2026 Meeting Notes

MARCH 2026

MEETING NOTES/UPDATES

Sorry for those who missed this meeting- it was really special!  Thirteen (!!) of us came together and spent the evening sharing favorite stories, qualities, the “what we miss mosts” about our child or sibling.  I always leave these meetings feeling like I actually know everyone’s loved one- it is very special!  I know this is late and long- but worth it!

One thing that always stands out- “they lived more in their short life than most people live in their whole long life.”  We feel the same about our son/brother.  Eric lived life fully- not always wisely- but if it came into his mind that it was something he wanted to do, he did it.  Eric studied abroad one year- in Spain.  I had given him a few rules before he left- one was to only tell us about experiences AFTER he did them.  I didn’t need to worry for days.  So imagine our surprise when we were sent a photo of him RUNNING WITH THE BULLS!  And that wasn’t the worse part….there are hundreds of people running or walking so how could we pick out our son?  Well, it was easy…he was the one in a RED SHIRT!  That was Eric- brilliant, not a speck of common sense. 

We had many such stories that night.  One couple shared a story about their daughter- at a doctor appointment.  The doctor was brilliant with no bedside manner.  And their daughter called him out on it…..in so many ways, at one appointment.  While her parents were sitting next to her.  They were, both, dying of embarrassment and proud of their daughter for standing up for herself.    The doctor had no bedside manner….she was right.  Apparently her filter just wasn’t working well that day!  She later wrote him a letter of apology- sort of.  Apologized for the way she pointed out the fact that he had no bedside manner.  

A dad shared a moment when his son’s friend shared a photo with him……his young teen son whose chest was covered in chocolate pudding.  I will leave you to your imagination of the story that accompanied the photo!

What many folks, lucky enough to not yet have the experience of losing a loved one, don’t understand are the secondary losses that accompany the death of a loved one.  Perhaps you were a 24/7 caregiver….and suddenly that role is gone.  Or your sibling died and suddenly you are facing a future, maybe anticipating your role in elder family members last years or deaths without that person who was supposed to be with you forever.  Some find themselves suddenly shut out of family once united by marriage…one member shared how lucky she feels that her role as SIL and aunt have survived- thrived following the death of her sibling, recognizing that this isn’t always the case.

The shoulda/woulda/couldas came into the conversation.  Did we do enough?  Did we make the best decisions?  Did our loved one die knowing how loved they were- should we have said more? Less?  One couple shared they felt grateful for not being left with that guilt- they knew it was a situation beyond their control and felt confident beyond their child’s control, as well.  Man- those guilt feelings are so gutting when they do pop up as another mom shared her frequent self-doubting.   I shared something I recall from my Grief Instructor course with David Kessler.  He spoke a lot about proximal causation- how we tend to assign events which occurred just prior to the death as a cause.  Whether “I didn’t say I love you when he left the house.” Or “We had a fight right before….”   He has many videos in which he shares ways he works through these oftentimes irrational guilt feelings.

We got to see another side of one parent’s child as he shared an old photo of their son in his football uniform.  This dad always spoke about his son’s career, intelligence but this was the first we heard of his athletic prowess and it was nice to hear stories not previously shared.

One mom shared, her daughter was around 5 and at the house of a friend of the same age. His mother was an incredible baker and her baked goods rivaled any bakery. Her daughter and her friend thought that they would pull a fast one by sneaking chocolate cookies. Once they took a bite, the looks on their faces were priceless. Instead of biting into chocolate chip cookies, they bit into oatmeal raisin cookies which were definitely not their cookie of choice.  Isn’t it wonderful when these memories start to bring us more smiles than tears?

Something we have touched on both in this group and online groups I have been a part of – when your child dies after a time of suffering- whether prolonged physical illness, debilitating accident injuries, mental illness there is often a small part of your brain that tells you, “at least the suffering is over.”  We hear that all the time when older people die but somehow it seems less appropriate when it is a young person.  And yet, for those who were care providers, those who 24/7 witnessed the suffering……again, unless/until this becomes your reality it is impossible to say how you would feel.  Suffice it to say it is an incredibly difficult position to be in- watching your child or grandchild or person who was supposed to be your forever person who shared your entire life suffer with no real hope of resolution.   I remember way back to our early days in TCF.  We had a large group and always had to divide into smaller groups for discussion.  This one time we separated by cause of death- sudden death versus prolonged suffering leading to their death.  Interestingly enough, the group who lost a loved one suddenly expressed that they couldn’t imagine watching their child/grandchild or sibling suffer…..unable to do anything to help.  One person imagined it being as if watching a freight train speeding towards their child and them, frozen, unable to do a thing to prevent the inevitable.  The families who lost a loved one after a prolonged illness or perhaps, serious injuries complications said they could not imagine not having the time to sit with their child/grandchild/sibling….to tell them how loved they are and will always be.  

We had nonstop talk for about 1.5 hours so I am sure I am missing something.  Thanks to Sue for helping me fill in the blanks!

Our next dinner will be Thursday, March 19th.  Location pending so watch for emails.

Take care- I know there are holidays, upcoming summer weddings, graduations that can often lead to sleepless, anxiety ridden nights.  Our face book group is a great place to fill in gaps between meetings when you just need some support and not in 3 weeks.  TCF Cincinnati North – answer the questions- agree to follow rules and you will be in.  We have over 70 people in this private group so I anticipate great conversations can happen.

Thanks for taking the long minutes to read through this!

Karen